Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

2 cows in a field.
One says, "Are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says, "No, it don't affect me, I'm a giraffe."

[steveqpr881]

Normal service has been resumed!!
Well, I say normal......couldn't post at all yesterday,must've been those pesky bots again.
Anyway, I have a backlog of ribbed ticklers for your edification, so here goes....
It's the qualifying round of Surgeon of the Year; I wonder who'll make the final cut?
A friend of mine's a getaway driver; he uses a different car for each job.
He's just been hired for a bank raid in Slough, he's taking the A4.
If we all had Top-Gun style code names, what would we be called?
I reckon Steve Russell would be Badgeman

[steveqpr881]

Some bad news for you, mirth fans.
I overslept this morning, and missed the jokes on the Tony Blackburn Show.
So here is a golden oldie I nicked from a "Dad Jokes" page.....
I was singing in the shower this morning & it was ok, until I got shampoo in my mouth-
then it became a soap opera.
{The Management apologises for the poor quality of that joke}

Top Gun code names: Colin Woodley...….. Death Star.

[steveqpr881]

Saturday was the anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo.
As immortalised in song by ABBA, of course.
Which made think what a genius the Duke of Wellington was:
how he found time to write all those songs, take his Big Band on the road
and win the battle of Trafalgar is a mystery to me.

I can remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject;
now, whenever Botox is mentioned, nobody raises an eyebrow.

Interesting Fact: Snails only ever mate once in their lives;
however, the act can last up to 12 hours!

[steveqpr881]

I've had numerous emails - well OK, just the one - in fact, none
pointing out that Duke Ellington didn't win the Battle of Trafalgar, that was Lord Nelson Riddle.
Happy to put the record straight.
Any road up, on to today's ribbed tickler:
I sellotaped a ouija board to a boomerang & thought - that'll come back to haunt me!

Interesting Fact: Hitchcock's "Psycho" was the first film to show a toilet flushing.

Top Gun code names: Bernard Lambert - Columbo.

[steveqpr881]

I bought a new puppy, but I didn't know what breed he was;
then he got a sore throat, so I took him to the Vet, & he told me.....
he was a little husky.

Top Tip: Sprinkle whisky on your lawn,that way the grass comes up half cut.

Interesting Fact: Butterflies taste with their feet.

[steveqpr881]

To the person who invented the zero....thanks for nothing.

Top Tip: By replacing your usual morning coffee with a nice cup of herbal tea, you can reduce by up to 50%
what little pleasure you still have in life.

[steveqpr881]

Just got back from holiday & there was chaos at Heathrow.
I waited so long for my suitcase, I fainted onto the luggage carousel.
But I eventually came round again.

[steveqpr881]

Went to a friend's wedding, and I was asked to say a few words.
Didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Bargain."
Afterwards, he came up to me & said, "Thanks - that meant a lot to me."

And a new feature: On This Day in History.
On June 29th, 1972, Slade were top of the pops, with "Take Me Back Home."
The England World Cup song.....or maybe not

[steveqpr881]

When I was a kid, we were so poor, my mum used to get all my clothes from the Army & Navy.
It was so humiliating, going to school in the full dress uniform of a Japanese admiral.

On This Day In History:
In 1961, Del Shannon was top of the charts, with "Runaway."