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Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2023 2:00 pm
by steveqpr881
Did anyone hear me on today's Jeremy Vine show?
Not the 1st time I've been on it....when I talk, the world listens! 
Anyway, time to open today's door on The Advent Calendar of Doom:
This is the season of office parties, which reminds me - at last year's, when the meal was finished,
the waiter said, "Do you wanna box for the leftovers?"
I said, "No, I'm not a violent man, you have 'em." 
And the return of The Burning Question:
Die Hard - IS it a Christmas film?? 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2023 9:03 am
by steveqpr881
One more opening of The Christmas Cracker of Doom;
I got this out of a cracker on Xmas Day, sent it to Tony Blackburn & he said it on his
Boxing Day show; with a name-check for yours truly.
Q: Why did the turkey join a band?
A:Because he had the drumsticks. 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Jan 30, 2024 11:51 am
by steveqpr881
Time once more to don my velvet smoking jacket & channel Cyril Fletcher off of That's Life to say -
I am indebted to Rs fan Dan Wells (dannyboyUrs off of the old offy mb) for this ribbed tickler, what he put on Facebook:
I've been invited to a combined Burns Night/ Chinese New Year party.
They're calling it a Chinese Burns party.
Wasn't going to go at first, but they twisted my arm.
Esther.....
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2024 10:23 am
by steveqpr881
If anybody needs a lesson in double entendre, I'd be happy to give you one 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Mar 21, 2024 10:25 am
by steveqpr881
Time to once more channel the late Cyril Fletcher off of 'That's Life,'
smooth down my velvet smoking jacket (get on with it! - ed.),
turn to camera & simper, "I am indebted to Daniel Wells, aka
dannyboyurs off the old offy m/b, who posted this on Facebook yesterday
- if you acknowledge your 'sauce,' as QBP used to say, then it's not plagiarism
(it'd better be worth it, after this build-up - ed.)
I've just ordered a book off Amazon, "How Not To Be Ripped Off." Only £150!!
And,as it's National Poetry Day, here to celebrate is a poem what I have wrote specially:
I opened my fridge
And what did I see?
My pet budgie
Smiling at me.
I thank you.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Apr 02, 2024 11:11 am
by steveqpr881
Got a backlog of Easter jokes, courtesy of Tony Blackburn
I stepped on a hot cross bun & got an electric shock - a currant ran up my leg.
Went to the doctor, I said I feel like a chocolate Easter bunny;
he said how do you mean? I said hollow inside.
Interesting Fact:
Soul singer Marvin Gaye was born on this day in 1939;
he played drums on Motown's 1st US No. 1, 'Please Mr. Postman,' by The Marvelettes.
And a bonus Interesting Fact (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us!)
The weekend's Chelsea v Burnley game had 51 shots; only 1 Premiership game has had more,
52 in QPR v Leicester, November 2014
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Apr 25, 2024 12:06 pm
by steveqpr881
I was pulled over in my car by Old Bill yesterday!
The copper said, "Would you blow into this bag please, sir."
I asked him why, he said, "Because my chips are too hot."
Interesting Fact:
Half of the World's bluebells grow in England.
It is an offence to dig them up, punishable by a fine of £5,000 per bulb!
Thought For The Day:
When life gives you anagrams, make melonade.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:19 am
by steveqpr881
I don't know if you listen to the Tony Blackburn Show -
eh? what's that? You don't need to, because I tell all his jokes on here -
well that's true, but this morning, Tony told one of mine! And here it is:
With all this warm weather we're having, I b ought a rocket salad yesterday;
but it went off before I could eat it!
Good enough for Tony, good enough for you lot. 
Sylvester Stallone has been married twice, but both ended in divorce.
The first marriage was rocky, the 2nd was rocky too......
Top Tip: Kid people you've got jaundice, by adding iodine to your bathwater!
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon May 13, 2024 7:30 am
by steveqpr881
Anybody see Eurovision? No, me neither;
Anybody know who won it - or care? No, me neither.
Anyway, with all this nice weather we've been having, I decided to buy some new plants for the garden.
I went to the local garden centre, and who should I see - Michael J. Fox!
I knew it was him, he had his back to the fuschias.
I've only just found out my dad was a mime artist for over 50 years!
He certainly kept that quiet.....
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 11:13 am
by steveqpr881
Anybody see England v Slovenia last night??
No, me neither - I fell asleep after 10 minutes. 
Are England the new QPR?? i.e., they struggle against the lesser sides......
Anyway, today's ribbed tickler to take away the blues:
When I was young, my mum used to bathe me in Australian lager.
It was quite a shock, when I found I'd been Fostered.