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Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2025 12:11 pm
by steveqpr881
OK mirth fans, empty your colostomy bags & fasten your seat belts, this ribbed tickler will have you in stitches.
I road-tested it on a willing 'human guinea pig' so to speak, at the memorabilia fair; he asked to remain nameless,
so let's just refer to him as Steve Russell.
When I told him this Comedy Classic, he was helpless with laughter, and as he wiped away tears of mirth,
he said "Steve son, you are a comedy genius" (with a build up like that, it'd better be good! - ed.), so here goes.
I went to a fancy dress party, as a screwdriver. I certainly turned plenty of heads! 
No animals were harmed during the testing of this joke.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu May 08, 2025 9:27 am
by steveqpr881
On this special day, the 80th Anniversary of V-E Day, I can't help but remember my dear old granddad,
who was the first man off the landing crafts on D-Day.
Sadly, the MPs caught him, put him back on & made him go to Normandy. 
Then, on the other side of the family, my uncle brought down 11 German fighters in the Battle of Britain!
The Luftwaffe said he was the worst mechanic they'd ever had. 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon May 19, 2025 10:31 am
by steveqpr881
Time for me once more to channel the spirit of that bloke out of That's Life
(whose name escapes me) & once more smooth the sleeve of my velvet smoking jacket,
look knowingly at the camera & simper, "I am indebted to Daniel Wells, aka dannyboyurs off the old offy MB,
for this ribbed tickler:
I've just been diagnosed with agorophobia - get in!!
[I've remembered now - it was Cyril Fletcher]
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue May 20, 2025 12:55 pm
by steveqpr881
A friend just told me he's taken up judo - that completely threw me!
I tried drag racing, but I couldn't run in high heels.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat May 24, 2025 9:25 am
by steveqpr881
Did anyone hear Tony Blackburn read out one of my ribbed ticklers on today's show??
If you missed it, you can hear it on the BBC i-player, if not here it is:
I went to see my GP because I was covered in spots.
He said I'm allergic to eating jelly, sponge & custard.......
but that diagnosis sounds a trifle rash.
I heard in the news that Billy Joel has had to cancel all shows, because he has water on the brain.
I know what would sort that out - a tap on the head. 
And an Interesting Fact: (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us!)
Before he found fame with Kajagoogoo, singer Limahl was an extra in Adam & The Ants' video for Stand & Deliver.
Well I Never!
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2025 12:02 pm
by steveqpr881
Nothing for me in the king's birthday honours list. 
Not even an OBE.
Would a knighthood be too much to ask??
Picture the scene - "For services to comedy, (tap tap) arise Sir Steve."
But I'm not bitter and here to prove it is the pick of today's Tony Blackburn Show:
As it's summer, I've started a magazine devoted to ice cream. I've just had my 1st scoop. 
But the only thing I take seriously in newspapers these days, is fish & chips -
& I even take that with a pinch of salt. 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2025 11:00 am
by steveqpr881
It's my birthday today, it's also the birthday of a good friend, who's an opera singer.
But I don't know what to buy him - I mean, what can you get for a tenor these days??
Interesting Facts:
A friend sent me a card that had some amazing stats about the year I was born (1955, if you must ask)
In 1955, the average salary was £564 a year (YEAR!), the average house cost £1,937 & a Ford Anglia cost £511.
The world's population was just 2.75billion. 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2025 10:55 am
by steveqpr881
When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.....
Today is National Chocolate Pudding Day - for once, you'll get no complaint from me.
And here's an Interesting Fact:
Marks & Sparks is now selling strawberry & cream sandwiches!!
Well I never.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2025 10:40 am
by steveqpr881
A religious woman's working in my local pub. She's the best bar none (bar nun, geddit??)
In this heat, I'm growing my own lettuce.
It's dead easy - I mean, it's not rocket science.