Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

Today is St. George's Day!! Happy St. George's Day, everybody.
It's also the birthday of William Shatner (Shakespeare, shurely? - ed.)
You're right, silly me, meant to say Shakespeare
and here are some bard-related jokes:
Shakespeare booked a holiday in Devon, but he couldn't decide where to go;
Torbay, or not Torbay?
He always wrote his plays with a pen,not a pencil; if he'd used a pencil he
couldn't decide 2B, or not 2B.

[steveqpr881]

Did anyone hear my name-check on Radio 2 on Tuesday?
It was on early breakfast show, I answered their quiz correctly.
Just call me Professor Pop.
Any way, on with the jokes (Must we?? - ed.)
I woke up this morning, and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was stood at the foot of the bed.
First I was afraid, I was petrified.....

Interesting Fact: It is illegal for frogs to croak after 11pm in Memphis, Tennessee.

[steveqpr881]

Newsflash! A lorry has shed it's load of Vick's Vapour Rub on the motorway.
However, the police say that the congestion has been cleared.

I've invented a new word; plagiarism.

And another song with a player's name in it: Stan(d) & Deliver - Adam & The Ants.

[steveqpr881]

I watched the new Dr. Strange film yesterday.
I didn't go to the cinema, I used The All-Seeing Eye of Agamoto.
(that's an in-joke for Marvel fans).

Remember the good old days, when you could go out all day & leave the front door open?
You'd get home, and everything would be gone.

I've just sold my homing pigeon........for the 24th time.

[steveqpr881]

Stop me if you've heard this one before (we've heard 'em all before, Steve)
I shall treat that with the contempt it deserves; it's just that this one seems a bit familiar;
still, as I always say, deja-vu ain't what it used to be. So here goes:
I've just got a new job, as a trampolinist. It has its ups & downs.

I had a box-load of old Dusty Springfield records, on the wall of my garage;
then burglars broke in and stole them, now I dont know what to do with my shelf.

A station on London Overground: (Ian) Holloway Road.
And that reminds me: I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Underground.
He went from Barking to Tooting in under an hour!

[steveqpr881]

I took the shell off my pet snail, to make it go faster.
But if anything, it just made it more sluggish.

My wife threatened to leave me, if I didn't get treatment for my Neil Diamond obsession.
I am, I said.

Interesting Fact: Terry Venables use to sing with The Joe Loss Orchestra, at Hammersmith Palais.

QPR railway station: (Steve) Palmers Green.

[steveqpr881]

Well, did we all enjoy the Queen's Jubilee celebrations?
Picture the scene: I was at Buckingham Palace, kneeling on a footstall;
the Queen approached me, with a ceremonial sword.
She tapped me first on one shoulder, then the other & said,
"For services to comedy, arise Sir Steve."
Then I woke up......it was all a dream.
Seems you have to be recommended for a gong, and no-one put my name forward.
Still never mind, there's always the New Year's Honour List.......
Anyway, back to business - today's ribbed tickler
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with poker -
but I think she's bluffing.
I couldn't sleep last night - I didn't know why.....then it dawned on me.

Thought For The Day:
Was Billy Ocean on Atlantic Records??

[steveqpr881]

I used to be in a Cure tribute band.
Called Prevention; people always said we were better.....
I'm now in a band called cat's Eyes; we play middle of the road.

Interesting Fact: (tv chef) Gok Wan's name is an anagram of Go W*** {CENSORED}

[steveqpr881]

My wife's a bit of a magician & she's been teaching our dog magic tricks;
he's an Abracadabralabrador.
She's pretty good at magic herself; only yesterday, she turned her car into a tree.

Interesting Fact: Lego is Latin for "I put together."

[steveqpr881]

My friend Pete's a plumber.
He's just split up with his girlfriend Florence.
But he reckons he's over Flo......

Today is the start of National Diarrhoea Week - runs until Sunday.