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Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2022 10:06 am
by steveqpr881
Newsflash! A lorry carrying 2 tons of strawberries has overturned on the M1;
police warn that there may be a large jam. 
I entered the Unusual Pet Competition. But the judges said a tin of sardines wasn't allowed. 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2022 9:20 am
by steveqpr881
What about this hot weather, eh?
I went to buy an ice cream, I asked the bloke for a 99 with all the trimmings.
He said, do you want a flake? I said yes please;
Strawberry sauce? Yes please;
Hundreds & thousands? Yes please;
Crushed nuts? I said no, I always walk like this.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2022 10:17 am
by steveqpr881
Well, I got fired from the building site.
Left my hi-vis jacket off, it was too hot.
What I don't get is, if I was so invisible without it, how come 6 blokes grassed me up,
when I chucked a brick through the windscreen of the gaffer's BMW afterwards??
I swear these rules are just there for the sake of it.
Anyway, I got a new job quick enough.
I'm a part-time acupuncturist; just doing it for the pin money. 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2022 8:50 am
by steveqpr881
More plagiarism; Tony Blackburn told my "Norwegian Navy" joke on Saturday.
Now I think that was on the last joke thread, so here's a reminder:
Why do Norwegian warships have barcodes on their hulls?
So they can Scandinavian. (scan de navy in, geddit??) 
I've set up a yachting business in my loft.
Sails have gone through the roof. 
Top Tip:
Take yourself back to your teenage years, by shouting abuse at someone for 20 minutes,
then asking them for a lift somewhere.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2022 10:44 am
by steveqpr881
....btw, have you noticed today's date?
25th of July.
Yes, that's right.....5 months to Christmas!!
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2022 9:29 am
by steveqpr881
When my local Tesco puts their reduced price tags on stuff, it's like feeding time at the zoo.
A disgraceful frenzy of greedy shoppers, after a bargain. 
Only yesterday, I had to push an old lady to the floor, when she went for a reduced ready meal I had my eyes on.
Interesting Fact:
There's a note at the end of Sgt. Pepper's with a frequency of 20,000Hertz
that only dogs can hear.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2022 2:43 pm
by steveqpr881
Vlad Putin went on holiday to Estonia a few years ago.
The immigration bloke didn't recognise him; the conversation went like this:
"Address?" "The Kremlin, Moscow."
"Occupation?" "No, I'm only here for a holiday."
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2022 1:23 pm
by steveqpr881
I went shopping for some apples & oranges.
But when I got to the shop, they were all sold out.
It was a totally fruitless experience. 
Thought for the day: Man landed on the moon before the suitcase on wheels was invented. 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 9:34 am
by steveqpr881
OK, I admit I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel for the last few days,
but fear not, mirth fans - I've got a fresh batch of ribbed ticklers from this
morning's Tony Blackburn Show - er, which I made up myself 
Like this one:
Seen the new Elvis film? I tried to buy tickets for it over the phone, but the
recorded message said, "Well it's a-1 for the money, 2 for the show..."
Speaking of TB & Elvis, I managed to get in the latest issue of Private Eye;
the other week, Tony B was talking about the film & he mentioned "Elvis's manager, Tom Parker-Bowles"
Check it out - Commentatorballs. Another one for my scrapbook ."
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2022 10:19 am
by steveqpr881
Told the wife I wanted to make a bike out of spaghetti.
She was baffled by the idea, so I had to run it pasta.