Hey, I've discovered how to get colour for my messages. We're back to blue.
Has anyone seen my pack of giant playing cards?
If you haven't, it's no big deal.
Heard about the contortionist who can bend his body into the shape of a pair of glasses?
He just loves to make a spectacle of himself.
I've been told it's illegal to drive without headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
Which is a problem - how do you what the weather's like in Sweden??
449 views - will we crack the 500 barrier before Christmas??
Anyway, for the very last time this year,(you'll be relieved to hear),
it's once more time to open the door on........THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.
Here's one I heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show this morning; they ripped off my tinsellitus joke,
it's only fair that I return the favour: Who delivers presents to all the little baby sharks? Santa Jaws!
A friend of mine has just retired from his job making Xmas decorations;
he had a glittering career.
And finally, Ronnie: I'll be spending Xmas Day as I always do;
first I'll prune the hedge, then I'll have lunch with all the trimmings.
QPR rhyming slang: Frank Sibley - Vicar of Dibley.
Thought For The Day: I see why icy is so easy to spell.
A very Merry Xmas one & all, see you again after Christmas.
I'm back - after a dose of COVID!!!!
I'm OK Now, my 7 days self-isolation are up.
Have to say, it was nothing; the day before I tested Pos I had a slight cold,
which may have been Covid; but even if it was, no big deal.
So the joke-fest resumes, and I've got a bit of a backlog to clear,
so empty your colostomy bags people.......
Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Banana.
I'm dating identical twins at the moment, but it's easy to tell them apart;
Debbie has blonde hair, Sam's got a beard.
I just opened my 2022 calendar, but the 5th month is missing;
I'm dis-Mayed.....
Thought For The Day:
If I could only watch 1 film again ever, it'd be Groundhog Day.
And some QPR Rhyming Slang:
Trevor Sinclair - (Sir) Tony Blair.
969 views - only 8 since yesterday, what's going on??
Anyway, some good news mirth fans; I overslept this morning & missed today's Tony Blackburn Show.
So here instead are some golden oldies, retrieved from the last Joke Fred, before the website crashed.
2 Yanks knocked on my door, with suits & crew cuts; they asked me if I ever ate brown bread;
they were Hovis Witnesses.
I took my goldfish to the vet, because I thought it had epilepsy;
the vet said, "Well, it looks OK to me."
I said, "Hang on - I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
R.I.P. Barry Cryer, one of the greats of British comedy over the last 50+ years.
Here is one of his best jokes.
A woman sees a parrot in a pet shop window, and goes in to ask how.
"£20," says the assistant. "That's cheap," she says-
to which the assistant says, "Yes, he used to work in a brothel."
So she buys the parrot & takes him home.
Once there, he has a look around & says,"What a lovely room."
Then the woman's daughter walks in & the parrot says, "What a lovely girl."
Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, "Hello, Keith."
A very Happy Birthday to that leg end of comedy, and this Fred's spiritual inspiration -
Tony Blackburn is a Poptastic 79 today!!
And here, to celebrate, is a sensational selection of the top gags from his Radio 2 show this morning.
I sent Tony a boomerang as a birthday present; I hope it'll give him many happy returns.
I asked him to play "Bus Stop," by The Hollies; it was a request bus stop.
I planted some spring bulbs recently, but they're not doing too well -
they haven't grown hyacinth last week.
Funniest thing I heard all weekend was BBC Radio Berkshire's commentary on the Real Hoops v Phony Hoops game.
The 3 commentators are all pro-Reading, 2 of them are ex-players.
Here's a selection of their finest.....
1st half: Pathetic - a shambles - I'm pulling me hair out - an absolute mess - it's just been awful, this 1st half - lack of heart, lack of belief
2nd half: Goodness gracious me, I think we've had enough - it could even be a lot worse than 4-nil - Reading are absolutely clueless - Its looking pretty gloomy for Reading - QPR are just sitting back now - the only positive thing is that it's only 4-nil - could've been 8 or 9 -
Reading's man of the match was their goalie.
Saving the best for last, after the match their manager said, "We played some good football in between the goals."
A man knocked on my door, he said "Help us out, guv, I haven't eaten in 3 days."
I said to him, "Could you manage a cold rice pudding?" He said he could.
So I said, "Well come back tomorrow, it's still warm."
JOHN22 rang me last night, I said hello John, where you been?
He said "I've just come out of the Henry Ford Clinic, Steve."
I said, "Henry Ford? Don't you mean Betty Ford??"
He said "No, it's similar, but they don't let you out until you've built a car."
Thought For The Day:
To the man who invented the zero - thanks for nothing.
Here is a bonus joke (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us)
A man in full Chelsea kit was stood on top of the South Africa Road stand, threatening to jump.
A police officer tried to calm him down - he asked what was the matter;
the man replied, "Chelsea's in crisis, Abramovich has been sanctioned, we cant buy or sell players,
I can't buy a ticket for any game, I can't even buy any merchandise. We can't even sell the club,
several players are out of contract soon & we cant replace them.....it looks like we're doomed."
The copper says, "Well I can see why you're depressed; but one thing I don't understand -
why are you here, why aren't you at Stamford Bridge??"
The Chelski fan replies, " Have you seen the size of the fecking queue???"
I've ordered a chicken & an egg from Just Eat;
I'll let you know which came first.
Interesting Fact:
Forgot to say this yesterday, but Tuesday was The Ides of March.
As in, "Beware the Ides of March." ( that is your actual Shakespeare)
But what, I hear you ask, does The Ides of March actually mean??
Simples; it's the day before the middle day of the month.
So every day has an Ides, not just March.
See, this thread isn't just entertaining, it's also informative;
it's Infotaining.
