Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

A friend just told me he's taken up judo - that completely threw me!

I tried drag racing, but I couldn't run in high heels.

[steveqpr881]

Did anyone hear Tony Blackburn read out one of my ribbed ticklers on today's show??
If you missed it, you can hear it on the BBC i-player, if not here it is:
I went to see my GP because I was covered in spots.
He said I'm allergic to eating jelly, sponge & custard.......
but that diagnosis sounds a trifle rash.

I heard in the news that Billy Joel has had to cancel all shows, because he has water on the brain.
I know what would sort that out - a tap on the head.

And an Interesting Fact: (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us!)
Before he found fame with Kajagoogoo, singer Limahl was an extra in Adam & The Ants' video for Stand & Deliver.
Well I Never!

[steveqpr881]

Nothing for me in the king's birthday honours list. Not even an OBE.
Would a knighthood be too much to ask??
Picture the scene - "For services to comedy, (tap tap) arise Sir Steve."
But I'm not bitter and here to prove it is the pick of today's Tony Blackburn Show:
As it's summer, I've started a magazine devoted to ice cream. I've just had my 1st scoop.
But the only thing I take seriously in newspapers these days, is fish & chips -
& I even take that with a pinch of salt.

[steveqpr881]

It's my birthday today, it's also the birthday of a good friend, who's an opera singer.
But I don't know what to buy him - I mean, what can you get for a tenor these days??

Interesting Facts:
A friend sent me a card that had some amazing stats about the year I was born (1955, if you must ask)
In 1955, the average salary was £564 a year (YEAR!), the average house cost £1,937 & a Ford Anglia cost £511.
The world's population was just 2.75billion.

[steveqpr881]

When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.....

Today is National Chocolate Pudding Day - for once, you'll get no complaint from me.

And here's an Interesting Fact:
Marks & Sparks is now selling strawberry & cream sandwiches!!
Well I never.

[steveqpr881]

A religious woman's working in my local pub. She's the best bar none (bar nun, geddit??)

In this heat, I'm growing my own lettuce.
It's dead easy - I mean, it's not rocket science.

[steveqpr881]

Just bought a copy of The Pope's new book. I got it on Papal.

Interesting fact:
The Beatles were the first act to top the UK & US singles and album charts!
With Hard Day's Night.

Wanted, dead or alive - Scrodinger's Cat.

[steveqpr881]

It's National Diarrhea Awareness Week - runs until Friday.

Interesting Fact: Glen Campbell played rhythm guitar on Strangers in the Night!

[steveqpr881]

I was in the park, and I gave my pastry to a couple of pigeons -
they ate it all & they were stuffed......well, I always like to fill 2 birds with one scone.

[steveqpr881]

An inflatable boy went into his inflatable school with a drawing pin.
Later, the headmaster called him into his office & said -
You've let me down, you've let yourself down, you've let the whole school down....